People-Pleasing, Fawning, and Masking: How Trauma and Neurodivergence Intersect
When survival strategies become second nature, how do you begin to find your way back to yourself?
Always “too much” or “not enough”
If you grew up feeling like you were “too much,” “too sensitive,” or just different from the people around you, you may have learned early on how to hide the truest parts of yourself.
For some women, this shows up as people-pleasing and fawning—doing whatever it takes to avoid conflict or stay in connection.
For others, it’s called masking—carefully studying how to act, talk, and even move so you seem “normal” or likable.
And for many neurodivergent women, these patterns come to feel so automatic that one day you realize:
“I’m not even sure who I am when no one else is watching.”
This isn’t a character flaw.
It’s a survival response—one that often has deep roots in both trauma and the lived experience of being a sensitive, autistic, or ADHD woman in a world that hasn’t always made space for you.
Fawning and Masking: What’s the Difference?
While the terms can overlap, they come from different places:
Fawning is a trauma response.
It develops when your nervous system learns that staying safe depends on being extra agreeable, helpful, or self-sacrificing. It’s the “please don’t be mad at me” pathway.Masking is often connected to neurodivergence.
Many autistic or ADHD women mask without even realizing it—copying social behaviors, hiding stimming, memorizing what “appropriate” looks like—just to avoid standing out.
What these two strategies share is this:
They both require you to turn away from your own needs and feelings.
And over time, that disconnection can feel exhausting.
Why These Patterns Make Sense
If you’ve been hard on yourself for people-pleasing or masking, here’s the truth:
Your nervous system is brilliant.
These strategies were creative, adaptive ways to survive.
If you grew up in a home where your emotional needs weren’t safe, fawning might have helped you avoid harm.
If you learned that your authentic way of speaking, thinking, or moving was “wrong,” masking might have been the only way to fit in.
They worked. Until they didn’t.
The Cost of Disconnection
Over the years, these patterns can lead to:
Feeling invisible or unheard—even in close relationships
Deep fatigue and burnout from holding yourself together all the time
Losing touch with what you actually enjoy, want, or prefer
Trouble trusting your own feelings and intuition
A chronic sense of “something’s missing”
For many women I work with, these symptoms are what finally bring them to therapy—not because they’ve failed, but because they’re longing to feel like themselves again.
Therapy for Neurodivergent Women in Asheville NC: A Different Way Forward
In my Asheville-based practice, I specialize in therapy for neurodivergent women who are ready to explore a gentler way of living—one that doesn’t require constant masking or fawning.
What this looks like in therapy:
Learning your nervous system: Understanding why these patterns developed in the first place can bring so much relief. There’s a reason you respond this way.
Slowly rebuilding safety: Using somatic and relational approaches, we create small, safe experiments where it’s okay to be real.
Parts work (IFS): We get curious about the “people-pleasing part,” the “masking part,” and the protective roles they’ve played. Then we invite other parts of you—parts that are tired of hiding—to have a voice too.
Practicing self-compassion: Instead of forcing yourself to be “authentic,” we practice honoring what feels safe and possible right now.
This work is not about ripping off masks. It’s about helping you trust that you don’t always have to wear one.
You Are Not Alone
If any of this feels familiar, I want you to know: there’s nothing wrong with you.
There’s a reason you learned these strategies.
And there is a way forward that doesn’t require abandoning yourself.